How to STOP Money Fights in Your Relationship

Posted on 29. Apr, 2010 by in Money

There are few issues that bring out the worst in relationships and couples like money. It doesn’t matter if you are rolling in the dough or struggling to make ends meet – money fights cross all socio-economic, ethnic, religious and any other type of boundary lines that exists!!! Money fights are, in fact, the #1 reason for fighting among couples.

Money sparks more disagreements, kindles the most resentment and confusion, and is a major reason (if not the reason) behind many divorces.

And guess what? As you accumulate wealth throughout your relationship, money fights do not disappear; the stakes just get higher.

This begs the question: “What exactly are couples fighting about when they fight about money”? Sure, there might be some discrepancy between how much one half of a couple wants to spend on clothes, entertainment, or vacation. But I hate to break it to you – money fights have very little to do with money! Unfortunately, money often gets in the way of love – even in the most romantic and otherwise compatible relationships.

So what is going on here? It is common knowledge that people enter into their romantic relationships with their own psychological portfolio of emotions, hopes, fears, strengths and weaknesses – all of which have been shaped by our past. However, no one addresses the portfolio of emotions we bring to money and finances – which has also been shaped by our past. So money – and the emotions surrounding it – is usually the 600 pound gorilla in the middle of the room in any relationship. And it rears its ugly and “not so little” head when we have disagreements on how to spend or not spend it in our relationship.

Let’s address this 600 lb.gorilla in the room head on with the following facts.

1. Love and money have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Money is an emotionally loaded issue for couples because each person brings their own set of values, beliefs and attitudes about money to their relationship – most of which have been formed by the time we are 12 years old. Conflicting values and attitudes about money are at the core of financial conflict in relationships (notice I didn’t mention a word about love).

2. Most people don’t really know how their views about money have been shaped. We tend to know we are either a “spender” or a “saver” – but if hard pressed to tell you why or how we got this way – most people couldn’t tell you for sure. Therefore, it becomes quite a daunting task to build a financial life that blends both partner’s hopes and dreams for today and the future!

3. Money fights are rooted in what money symbolizes for each person in the relationship. Does money represent emotional security, control or power for you?Do you know what money symbolizes for your partner? You must know this information so you can begin to bridge the difference between what money symbolizes for you as a couple. And their will be plenty of differences to bridge since you grew up in two different homes which, in all likelihood, valued money differently. Doing this will go an incredibly long way in helping to end, or at the very least de-fuse your money fights.

4. Money fights have to do with each partner’s perception that the other does not respect your feelings when it comes to financial decision making, nor are they willing to accommodate your needs. In other words, you or your partner feel disrespected or ignored by the other when a financial decision is made that you either disagree with or would not make.

Finally, you need to shift your mindset about money. Once you have done all of the above – you are now in a position to shift your view of money as an emotion or power tool and treat it for what it really is – a commodity. If you can take all the emotions away from money and view it as any other commodity, (which it is) you will no longer view money in relation to power and control in your relationship. Once you have done this, you will be well on your way to stopping the money fights in your relationship!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
twitter@drpattyann

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10 Responses to “How to STOP Money Fights in Your Relationship”

  1. Linda P. Jones

    29. Apr, 2010

    Money certainly can be a source of pain for couples, you expressed that extremely well!
    I also think many attitudes about money come from our families and upbringing and are subconscious, so we’re not even aware of why we think the way we do about money.
    Great column!!! Love your insights!
    Linda

    Reply to this comment
    • Dr. Patty Ann

      29. Apr, 2010

      Hi Linda,

      Thanks for your great comments! You are correct when you said most of us dont even know why we think the way we do when it comes to the beliefs and values we hold about money. Awareness is the first step towards understanding and change.

      Dr. Patty Ann

      Reply to this comment
  2. Lisa Manyon

    29. Apr, 2010

    Money is one of the most common topics I see my friends and their spouses fighting about. I think it’s very important to help develop healthy relationships with money within relationships (now there is a mouthful).

    Write on!~

    Lisa

    Reply to this comment
  3. Dr. Patty Ann

    29. Apr, 2010

    Hi Lisa,

    Thanks for your comment! Your experience with your friends reflects the fact that money fights are the #1 reason why couples fight. Sad – but true. (Pass the article onto them)

    Dr. Patty Ann

    Reply to this comment
  4. Wow, such a hotbed of contention in relationships! You are so right, the arguments have nothing to do with money and so few couples know this. Thanks for getting the word out so more couples can reach peace with money

    Reply to this comment
    • Dr. Patty Ann

      30. Apr, 2010

      Hi Lynn,

      Thank you for your comment! It would be great for couples to realize it is not worth a dime to fight about money.

      Dr. Patty Ann

      Reply to this comment
  5. Terry Monaghan

    02. May, 2010

    Dr. Patty Ann!

    Wow, money is a hot button for so many people. Not just the source of conflict in marriage, but in many different kinds of relationships. Between friends, between siblings, between generations. And at the end of the day, not as important as the relationship.

    Great post.

    Reply to this comment
  6. Dr. Patty Ann

    02. May, 2010

    HI Terry,

    Thanks for your comment and you are correct. Money is a source of conflict in many relationships – not just romantic ones. This is really so sad- money doesnt have to be the root of all evil – although, unfortunately many times it is. So sad!

    Dr. Patty Ann

    Reply to this comment
  7. […] Sought After Relationship Expert Advises How to Reduce Money Fights – Dr. Patty Ann Tublin, an internationally renowned relationship expert, has just posted a new article on her web site, where she shares four things couples should know about money to help reduce or eliminate money fights. The article, “The 600-pound Gorilla: How to Reduce Money Fights in a Relationship,” is available at http://www.drpattyann.com/2010/money/how-to-stop-money-f … […]

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  8. […] – Dr. Patty Ann Tublin, an internationally renowned relationship expert, has just posted a new article on her web site, where she shares four things couples should know about money to help reduce or eliminate money fights. The article, “The 600-pound Gorilla: How to Reduce Money Fights in a Relationship,” is available at http://www.drpattyann.com/2010/money/how-to-stop-money-f … […]

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